Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR.
"Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored.
"After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere."
He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."
Chancellor Alistair Darling said the decision had been taken in tandem with the banking industry, adding: "They used a lot of dirty words I'd never heard before and one of them had an angry looking dog."